Colors of Solitude

Arzu Okumuş
3 minutes

Do you know that loneliness has a color? In many colors.

The air is clear, the sky is blue, the sea is blue. You are restless inside, your spirit is alive. Suddenly you receive news, your heart hurts so much, so much… You look up at the blue sky and there is nothing. You look at the sea, always in a hurry to reach the shore, not even paying attention to you. And you sigh and cry into your palms.

Sometimes loneliness is red. A spring day… A May day laden with many hopes. It’s a birthday. A red-spotted butterfly lands on a crimson rosebud. The rose embraces him. Your eyes are immersed in this magnificent view, silently weeping.

Sometimes loneliness is green. Green like hope, green like life. Green as heaven. You want a pair of eyes to save you. You don’t want to beg because it would be a sin, but you look into his eyes as if begging. He turns his back and leaves, and you are left helpless and desolate, as if the firmament has collapsed on you. You fall on your knees and cry.

You know pomegranate flowers. Vibrant, playful, swaying, as if saying “I will bear the fruit of love”. In your imagination a pomegranate cracks and splits in two. You eat half, you’re left with half. That’s how loneliness comes unexpectedly, the color of a pomegranate blossom. You collapse under the pomegranate tree and shed your tears on the ground.

Then one fall day it hits you where it hurts. Loneliness comes with yellow yellow leaves, wetted by the rains, blown away by the hazel wind. You don’t know whether to hug a coffin or jump into the well in front of you. You just stare. You cannot die with the dead. With your hand in your bosom and your tongue silent, you cry your tears inside.

On a winter day, as you watch the snow falling in flakes, you remember those you parted with resentfully. Your last happy moment was when he grilled anchovies for you by hand in your garden covered with white snow. You lean your forehead against the glass, your heart is so cold that you cannot hold back your tears.

Everyone imagines loneliness as black; it really is. Insomnia descends on you on a dark, starless night. Desolation suddenly fills you. Even loneliness is not as lonely as you are. Your phone book is full of names, but everyone is as far away as Mount Kaf. You cry, you cry, you cry…

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