What do you feel when you hear that word?
If I were to tell you a “story of infidelity”, what kind of scenario would come to your mind?
What is your first thought when someone says, “He cheated on you” or “You are being cheated on”?
That your spouse, your lover is having an affair with someone else?
I’m asking you to face your answer for a few seconds. What does cheating mean to you?
First, let’s look at the dictionary meaning of the word “deceive”.
According to TDK (Turkish Language Association), its first meaning is “to mislead with an unexpected behavior“.
Then comes “breaking promises” and “lying”.
The seventh meaning of “betraying a spouse”. So how is it that we place it first in our collective memory?
When we take this word and reduce it to a relationship of lovers, we narrow its meaning considerably.
However, I like the first meaning of this word, mislead with unexpected behavior .
Whether it’s a trusted spouse with someone else, a trusted friend lying to you, or rotten tomatoes from the market vendor…
And we trusted!
We should focus on this issue of “trust”. Of course it feels good to be able to trust others. This is a common need of humanity. It gives you the luxury of leaning on someone else.
Yet an unthinking leaning, an unreasoned trust only triggers our insecurity. Because the frontal lobe of the brain is ready for the job. It says enter the information and let me evaluate it. A poorly evaluated trust leaves us “disappointed” to say the least. Remember you gave all the credit to the other person, without calculating any risk. Don’t you have anything to do with this disappointment?
You might say Selen can’t be trusted with such calculations. And I remind you that you will suffer the consequences. Live everything you can take responsibility for. This is freedom! But when the day comes and the castles fall, you can’t say, “He did that.” He signaled to you in some way that he was going to do that. You chose to stay there every time. That’s why being “cheated on” made you angry.
We look for blame for every action for which we cannot take responsibility. That guilt fuels the fire of anger. We think we are relieved when we blame the other person. We are wrong. The only place to look back is in the mirror.
But there was also the possibility of leaving if you were angry about something. The possibility of walking away with love, leaving him alone with his own experience…
I am not saying that the other person is “right” or that they are acting “correctly”. I remind you to see yourself and be self-critical. Be angry, but also evaluate. Whatever kind of relationship you have, put it in the experience column.
Remember it is safest to lean on yourself. One can lean on oneself. But doesn’t he deceive himself, doesn’t he deceive himself?
Of course he cheats.
When you realize that friendship won’t work, when you don’t listen to your own intuition…
When you’re not careful enough when you shop at that counter…
When there’s something in the relationship that you don’t feel comfortable with and you can’t leave, you hold on…
One deceives oneself the most while holding on.
“Stubborn” to stand there.
The person most often misleads himself with an unexpected behavior.
You promised to take care of your body, but you couldn’t be consistent.
You promised to play that instrument, but you couldn’t find the time.
You promised to finish your unfinished high school education, but you used your family as an excuse.
You promised to take a walk in the morning, but you couldn’t take your eyes off that show at night.
How many times did you answer yourself? How many times have you lost yourself in the pursuit of others?
How many times have you put on their life under the pretext of empathy and felt used while they continued to live?
Nobody did anything, in fact you allowed it.
No one deceived you, you chose to be deceived for fear of being alone.
In the end, you cheated yourself the most.
This contradiction will last until you enjoy staying with yourself.
So, my beautiful friend, whatever you do, enjoy the time you spend with yourself the most.
Play that guitar, study that lesson, prepare that meal, write that book, play that sport.
You’re cheating on yourself. Start again with compassion.
One day you will earn his trust.
photo: Alper Tanca