The Scream and Maybe Remembered Humanity

Dila Bezmen
6 minutes

Why don’t we do something crazy together?

At the same time and all at once,

Once and for all,

Until we run out of breath,

Why don’t we scream in one breath, like human beings?

Do you think we will see each other and ourselves then?

Will we hear our voices, which then become one?

One day on the road, let’s make it today. Maybe you’re walking, maybe you’re just sitting on a bench in front of the sea, music in your ear, then unexpectedly, even suddenly, the battery of the camera in your hand runs out, you have to lift your head and look. You look and you see, you listen and you hear, you feel. You are surrounded by strangers. Acquaintances? Even stranger. In all eyes, a blur, a void, in words, meaninglessness, sameness. You look around as if for the first time.

Just ahead, a young man walking on the road, quite handsome even, catches your eye, the clothes are stylish, he is talking on the phone, I think he is angry; he is swearing. I think his friend also curses at him and it’s funny to him; he laughs. You are surprised; you think it was just that, an ordinary meaningless conversation…

Two lovers hugging and chatting, the smell of love wafting from far away. The month is May. It’s spring at its most beautiful. Your feeling changes immediately; you like it, and how can I put it, a little jealousy? No, no, a state of will; dreams surround you, a state of living. They are slowly approaching you, the man’s eyes are on the legs of the girl on the next bench, the girl’s hand is on the man’s wallet, you say oh my God, it’s ordinary love again, but I guess it doesn’t matter much to them, maybe they are wrong in your thoughts.

A little ahead, a smartly dressed girl is walking fast. He doesn’t even have time to look at the sea, he is late for something or everything… He bumps into an old lady right in front of him, “oops” her wallet, the two apples she barely bought, the chocolate she has been dreaming of for weeks, and of course his pride and his pride that he has fallen are all on the ground together. You are afraid, worried… The girl doesn’t even notice, she continues her movement towards the place where she was late, and now two children on seagulls are rapidly approaching the aunt… while you say “oh my” for who knows how many times, you pick up the woman on the ground, the wafer that is being crushed, the wallet that is being stolen with your fastest speed and say “are you okay?”. There is no answer, she looks at him as if she has just gotten up from the living room sofa and leaves, like a girl who is late everywhere.

The crazy questions that arise in you, the feeling of incomprehensibility that surrounds you, loneliness, a confusion of emotions, numbness, sameness in people’s eyes. You are startled by the heartfelt question “why?” The boy who approaches him is small, maybe 8, maybe 10 years old, his short hair waves in the wind. His eyes are the sea; his radiance comes from the bottom. Energetic but not like the girl who is late everywhere, everything seems to be on her time. He asks again “why?”, he has no intention of giving up, you say “why what?”, surprised that someone sees you. “Why did you help that woman who fell to the ground, even though you might have been hit by the other children and even though you dropped the machine in your hand?” That’s what you felt in your heart because what can you answer to that question, this time you are breathless. The silence that comes in spite of those who have been silent in your brain since the beginning. “The human condition,” you say inaudibly. You stop, you try to understand yourself, your own feelings, every single building block that makes you who you are, and you tell the child in front of you in a rising and excited tone “just humanity.” The child looks at you patiently, his gaze penetrates you. Sure that the child will leave a mark on you before you even live, you answer, “Maybe, you say, if I don’t lose my humanity, I can remind others. What else can I do but resist silently?” Another one comes, his brown eyes as warm as the earth, “are you okay?”, then another one says “get well soon”. Voices are raised on a May morning on one of the roads, by the sea. Even silent screams sound beautiful when heard, when heard, when voices become one.

I am confused,

My feelings, my senses are all jumbled.

I think I’ve become numb, numb.

I want to write like crazy,

Talking, crying, shouting and cleaning up.

But there’s emptiness all around me.

But I told you, my mind is confused, my feelings are confused.

I don’t want to cry silently, deeply and alone anymore.

If I’m going to cry, cry like crazy,

Or I want to run screaming down the road.

But I’m not enough, just me, alone.

I look around me and there is always emptiness, I look in the eyes and there is the same impersonality.

Then there is silence and darkness,

My fears and loneliness deepen.

I’m thinking…

Maybe because I can’t share it with you; my numbness,

Because we cannot be one, because we cannot fight shoulder to shoulder; my loneliness,

Because I can’t look at you, into your eyes,

And since you never look in my direction, my powerlessness.

Why don’t we do something crazy together?

At the same time and all at once,

Here in this cold spring.

Once and for all,

Until we run out of breath,

Why don’t we scream like crazy, in one breath?

Do you think we will see each other and ourselves then?

Will we hear our voices, which then become one?

Do we then feel the scream of ourselves and of the one we love the most?

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