“Why am I…”

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8 minutes

Partly because of my profession and partly because of my desire to understand the human enigma, every year I wonder about the most searched phrases and sentences on Google. When Turkey’s most searched words on Google in 2022 were shared, I looked at them carefully. From this, a mindset map, or at least our relationship with the agenda, emerges. A sad relationship…

Among the most searched words, Dollar/TL and Eid holiday were listed one after the other. Should we call it a curiosity about how and when to spend our earnings, or should we think of it as a juxtaposition between the struggle to make ends meet and fatigue? I have to state this from the very beginning: It is not necessarily the responsibility of a profession to answer such questions. Didn’t we come to these days when we cannot look at the sky to our heart’s content, saying that urban planning is only the work of contractors and architects?

Our people are very tight with TV series. Some people watch something to blow off steam, others to disconnect from the world, even if only for a while. We cannot say anything about this, but we can make a note: Occupations build our personality. What we spend time on has a lot to do with what we are and what we will become. We have to go in front of the TV knowing that. On the other hand, detachment from reality is also fraught with great problems. How much we are interested in what happens in The Beachcomber should not affect our attitude towards life. People get too caught up in what they see on TV shows, which is detrimental to human relationships. Expectations, desires, ambitions, demands become a deadlock. One often does not survive this deadlock.

I have a memory I will not easily forget: We were asked by a prison to do an interview on reading books to prisoners. We accepted with enthusiasm and a few poets and writers went. Before that, some members of the administration took us on a tour of the prison library. When the books that caught my attention the most on the shelves were dreams, I thought to myself: People needed hope, and dreams, of course, meant hope. People wanted to have a good dream, to receive good news, to arrive in good times. When I looked at the most searched dreams on Google, I came across this. Anxieties and hopes are intertwined: To see an earthquake in a dream, to see a baby boy born, to see snow falling in summer, to see an aunt’s daughter, to see a cemetery… Dreams say many things, dreams cannot be told, dreams can sometimes be signs. The important thing is to consult with someone who “knows the business” and to be able to make sense of it, to reach that meaning, to live it.

The most sought-after places are a sample of both dreams and curiosities. There are those who are curious about the Faroe Islands and those who want to discover where the Alhambra Palace is located. Our interest in history also shows itself here. This is one of the best features of search engines. We don’t go, but we can see and even visit. May those who intend to do so be blessed.

The most sought-after professions are also very interesting. As I observe from my environment, there are many people who want to be private security. Interest in driving is growing. The “mysterious” world of ambassadors is becoming increasingly intriguing. But there is another profession that brings a smile to the face: gassal. People do not want to be alone on the road to the absolute end, but they also want to have a duty of companionship. For some, it is an ordeal; for others, it is a profession that distracts them from the sorrow and grief of the world. A reminder while we are at it: There is an expression in Turkish called “to be like a meyyit in the hands of a gassal”. In Kubbealtı Lugatı, it is written as “surrendering to one’s murshid without objection, like the dead in the hands of the dead washer”. Then let us think: To what extent do we surrender to the owner of life and death? Everyone can be busy with their own answer for a while, whoever finishes can leave.

Let’s come to the most sought-after “why”, which is the main purpose of this article. When we look at the questions, the age group is actually self-explanatory, but we should not interpret these questions as belonging only to a certain age group. These are questions that are at the center of life all over the world, from young to old. When we look at books and movies, we see that these questions are “inspirations”. Why am I not loved, why am I so ugly, why was I born, why am I excluded, why am I a loser… Heartbreaking, heartbreaking questions. Except one. When we first encounter the question of why I was born, it may sound like the question of someone who is not happy with his life, who is overwhelmed with grief and who cannot find a solution, but let’s try to look at it from the optimistic side. For one thing, it is better to ask why I was born rather than how I was born. Thinking about how it came to earth biologically is a question that can be answered on the horizontal plane, that is, in the physical realm. This happened and that happened and you were born. I wish you well. But why I was born is a metaphysical issue on the vertical plane. Do I have a purpose, what should I discover about myself, what place should I have among the universe and other people, what is my mission in my temporary life, which side of life can I look at to get the most out of it, what can I do to be in “health and well-being”? I hope those who typed this question into Google have spent time with these questions and are still spending time with them. Because there is nothing to be afraid of. What is to be feared are those who do not seek any meaning in their arrival on earth, those who cannot draw any conclusions, those who make no effort to build themselves as a person, those who think it is bliss to continue on their way only as a business card holder…

In general, when we look at these “Why am I…” questions, we can also see that there is a self-confidence problem. But self-confidence is not only a personal problem. Depression, for example, is often political, that is, something that comes directly from life. No one can become depressed on the spot, nor can they lose their self-esteem because they are bored. We need to take a good look at the causes, the struggle and the aftermath. It’s one thing to be unloved, it’s another to feel unloved. Thinking that you are a loser may not be a matter of self-confidence, it may be the cry of someone who has more or less seen their potential in life but has not found a place to put it. Leaving the responsibility only to those who ask these questions means leaving the problems as they are.

There is no doubt that the shining of one heart, and the offering of that shine to other hearts, will change the shape of questions and therefore the shape of problems. So how does a heart shine? By opening to other hearts, of course. The main problem with the “why am I…” questions is that nowadays conversation has been removed from the center of life. Phones in our hands, screens in our eyes, we are going a long way. We follow whatever map we are given. It is as if we are living under instructions. We don’t know the value of raising our heads and making eye contact with the other person, kneeling knee to knee, walking shoulder to shoulder. Then maybe we should talk about conversation in the next article. What strange times, we talk about conversation but we cannot have a conversation. We forget that after a real conversation, we will seek answers to questions such as “Why am I…” not alone, but in the company of a whole universe, which will make our work a little easier.

The burdens of the world are many, never ending. But we did not come into the world to carry burdens. For this, there are people of wisdom, there are beautiful human beings. There are those who are waiting for us, who are always “expected” by their environment. He has to find them, talk to them. This will surely lighten our questions along with our souls. Because some people come into the world to lighten the burden of others, to open their hearts, to live without a cause or claim, to do their duty and leave. They are called “people of love”. They understand the situation, and when necessary, they put their situation on the other person and make them stand up. It is a constant state; those who take care to be with beautiful people beautify themselves and their lives. And of course questions and even problems…

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